Here goes...
Several of my friends have had their first child in the past year.
I know of more than eight gals (friends enough to be facebook friends) who have had a child in the same month span of G. (Early winter 2010 was a magical time, I guess!) I have loved tracking our journeys together and sharing triumphs and dilemmas.
I have read countless blogs and such about parenting. I have consulted my cousins and friends who are in these early stages, too, but just a step ahead of me. My husband and I are on the same page, and we are slowly figuring out what works for our family.
I have become very close with some gals that were just acquends before (more than an acquaintance, but not quite a close friend), and I am so grateful that motherhood has brought us together.
I will say that I am able to talk most freely with the gals who have figured out similar things as I have for what works for us. This has helped me so much in staying sane the past few months. For these friendships, I am ever so grateful.
I've struggled with putting my foot in my mouth more times than I can count, though, especially with more seasoned moms.
I'll say something one day like, "Oh, I'm going to just hate being a stay-at-home mom. I'll get so bored."
Ha. Both feet in mouth there.
Or, "No matter what, I'm going to wait to start G on solids until 6 months."
Well, remember this post?
You see, as soon as I think that I have some things figured out, they change. I finally have this nursing thing down and now I'm supposed to add solids? I finally think G is going to settle into a longer routine and he goes through a growth spurt? Every Tuesday?
I know I'm certainly not doing everything right. But G is growing and happy and healthy. I only know him. And our little family. And how things work for us. And how our personalities are.
Not everyone does things the way we do. I mentioned earlier that I've become very close to some gals that have been doing things similarly to us. That has been such a blessing. But now that the beginning stages are over and G is more of a baby instead of an infant, I'm a little more relaxed and laid back.
Yes I am.
I know you don't believe me...but it's true.
But for some reason, I have lost the ability to communicate openly with people who do things differently. What is that all about?! I love getting to know people who are different than me! Why is it so hard with this?
I came across this parenting philosophy tonight, which has helped me gain some perspective.
- There are some thing parents do that really screw up their kids. But those things don't have a whole lot to do with the sequence in which your baby eats, sleeps, and plays, or when s/he gets off the bottle/breast/pacifier/thumb, or how old the baby is when it sleeps in a bed in a room alone, or when they're potty-trained. Yeah, those things affect your day-to-day life right now. But in the longterm, they're not something you'll remember or that your child will remember. So do what makes it easier and more loving for everyone in your house right now, and what gets everyone the most sleep. (from the Ask Moxie blog, source here.)
We're all just doing the best we can. We're all just doing what is right for our families, our personalities, our kids.
Really, it's all just a huge guessing game, and we're (I'm) just trying to keep up.
12 comments:
Most situations that we worry about could fall into this same area of "we are all just doing the best we can" Great observations.
Good thoughts. I agree with you. I think alot of new/expectant moms are very guilty of expressing their absolutes. It's kind of funny to hear them when you're on the other side of that absolute and you think to yourself "just wait." There are so many variables, and so many things that you think you are going to do just don't work for your family. It's humbling to go back and realize all the things you said that you didn't end up doing. Like me, I gave away ALL my formula samples, thinking "Oh, I will never give my baby formula. I'm breast feeding." It wasn't out of conviction so much as sheer naivete. At eight months, Emily is about half and half because 1) I just don't produce enough and 2) she refuses to breast feed half the time these days.
I think one thing that is important to remember as we're all struggling to figure this mothering thing out is that one mother's "conviction" can be very hurtful to another mother. With our lives so intertwined with blogs and facebook, we voice our thoughts and opinions very freely without thinking about the damage it could do to others. I spent an entire weekend in tears because of a friend who posted an article about why-you-will-damage-your-child-and-she-will-not-be-able-to-function-in-society if you use the cry it out method for sleep training. For us, CIO was the only thing that saved this working Mom from going insane and I would do it again for Emily in a heartbeat (and probably will with future babies.) I'm sure (I hope) she wouldn't have posted it if she'd realized she had a friend who was struggling with that very thing on that very day. It's just so important for us to be mindful of our co-passengers on this crazy journey and to encourage each other, whether we agree with the other's methods or not.
Oh, Jennifer, I feel for you! The only thing that kept me sane after that same article that was circulating around was to realize that it was done in ignorance, and I probably have done similar things to the "other side" in ignorance as well. Thank you for your thoughtful comment!
Oh girl, you should not be worried about posting this. I don't know if I've ever said this to you or not, but I quite regularly tell people that I'm happy to give advice (from my limited experience) but that it's just a "suggestion" and as with all suggestions you have to take some and leave some. (If you asked our parents age, they would tell you to put honey on pacifiers!!!) Every baby REALLY is different, as is every family. I bet if a mom had 5 kids and tried to sleep train them all the same, they would all do something different. It's not as "easy" as parenting books make it seem. (Dude, I wish it was...) I just tell people I read lots of books and articles because I am just trying to be the best parent I can be and if you are trying to do the same, then chances are, you know better what your baby needs that someone else. We all have different priorities. Sleep, for instance, is high on my priority list. Maybe because...oh...I get up at 5 am and go to a job where it is important that I NOT fall asleep! And I am a better mommy when I get sleep. And in all honesty, my second wasn't as quick to sleep train as my first was, maybe because I was more patient with him since (believe it or not), I actually WAS getting more sleep than I was with my first during residency! ;) Ha! But also because he got the lovely RSV. There are so many variables you cannot control. You are an amazing mom and, no doubt about it, there is noone who could do a better job at raising Garrett, than you!!!!
Except the thumb thing. That habit can cost hundreds in the teen years. It seriously keeps me up at night ... worrying ... which I do too much of ... and then I worry that my worrying is causing ulcers ... then I worry about that ... I should stop now.
(See? You're not the only slightly-less-than-sane one.)
Love you!
Ha, Amy! If I ever see Garrett with his fingers in his mouth, I yank them out and stick in a paci! All of my dental problems are because I sucked my fingers. :(
Of course, no offense to people who are all about the finger-sucking. It's just that in my experience, it messed me up. :)
I yanked out the thumb and stuck a paci in, and they would look at me like I was nuts, slowly tongue-push it out of their mouth, and very purposefully stick the thumb back in. Stubborn doesn't even begin to describe it!
Also, Michel has started calling me "baby". As in, "Michael, where's your cup?"
"I don't know, baby."
This post was a wonderful blessing, friend! Thank you for sharing this encouragement. :) Have a great week!
@The Brackeens ... I believe your grandparents would be more likely to tell you to put honey on the pacifier than your parents. I say this because I'm your parents' age (Mrs. Edwards is my daughter) and honey was already on the no-no list when she was born. My mother used to make me a cough remedy that was sugar, lemon juice and just a touch of rum (sugar to coat the throat, lemon juice to cut through the phlegm and rum to knock me out so she could get some sleep!)... No one thought anything unusual about that or about adults blowing cigarette smoke at babies. Or about kids not buckled in cars. (I made the same cough remedy for my kids ... minus the rum.) Like everything else, parenting evolves, but one thing hasn't changed. A parent's 'gut feeling' is almost always right. Follow your instincts, shower them with love and they'll turn out to be fine adults, I promise (my daughters are my proof of that)! -- Kathy
@The Brackeens ... I believe your grandparents would be more likely to tell you to put honey on the pacifier than your parents. I say this because I'm your parents' age (Mrs. Edwards is my daughter) and honey was already on the no-no list when she was born. My mother used to make me a cough remedy that was sugar, lemon juice and just a touch of rum (sugar to coat the throat, lemon juice to cut through the phlegm and rum to knock me out so she could get some sleep!)... No one thought anything unusual about that or about adults blowing cigarette smoke at babies. Or about kids not buckled in cars. (I made the same cough remedy for my kids ... minus the rum.) Like everything else, parenting evolves, but one thing hasn't changed. A parent's 'gut feeling' is almost always right. Follow your instincts, shower them with love and they'll turn out to be fine adults, I promise (my daughters are my proof of that)! -- Kathy
@The Brackeens ... I believe your grandparents would be more likely to tell you to put honey on the pacifier than your parents. I say this because I'm your parents' age (Mrs. Edwards is my daughter) and honey was already on the no-no list when she was born. My mother used to make me a cough remedy that was sugar, lemon juice and just a touch of rum (sugar to coat the throat, lemon juice to cut through the phlegm and rum to knock me out so she could get some sleep!)... No one thought anything unusual about that or about adults blowing cigarette smoke at babies. Or about kids not buckled in cars. (I made the same cough remedy for my kids ... minus the rum.) Like everything else, parenting evolves, but one thing hasn't changed. A parent's 'gut feeling' is almost always right. Follow your instincts, shower them with love and they'll turn out to be fine adults, I promise (my daughters are my proof of that)! -- Kathy
@The Brackeens ... I believe your grandparents would be more likely to tell you to put honey on the pacifier than your parents. I say this because I'm your parents' age (Mrs. Edwards is my daughter) and honey was already on the no-no list when she was born. My mother used to make me a cough remedy that was sugar, lemon juice and just a touch of rum (sugar to coat the throat, lemon juice to cut through the phlegm and rum to knock me out so she could get some sleep!)... No one thought anything unusual about that or about adults blowing cigarette smoke at babies. Or about kids not buckled in cars. (I made the same cough remedy for my kids ... minus the rum.) Like everything else, parenting evolves, but one thing hasn't changed. A parent's 'gut feeling' is almost always right. Follow your instincts, shower them with love and they'll turn out to be fine adults, I promise (my daughters are my proof of that)! -- Kathy
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